Aging & Dying, Zen & Dharma

The road is full of forks

11410871-fork-in-the-road-confused-decision-time-direction-difficult-choices-street-signI am playing this game of trying to cut through my own bullshit. As i shift the pieces i keep finding …ah! look! more bullshit! It is painful and ridiculous, but it feels so true.

In spasms of indecision that sometimes feel debilitating, what i am trying to remember is that it doesn’t really matter which path i choose to take. That sounds negative but really it is liberating. I will act with the highest intuition and logic available to me in any situation. I will act in consideration of all the information available to me in the moment. But then, but then, but then…jump out of the fucking plane! i will surely live in the repercussion of whatever i choose, and how i choose to meet that reality is what will really matter. What I perceive then is more important than any external reality, and what i perceive will ultimately, momentarily, determine what i do next.

So I catch myself out in my own bullshit, wailing about my empty bed and my wage slave retail job, my lonely and miserable life. Yeah right. The truth is my life is a tapestry of miracles. The truth is that i love the work that i do. The truth is i am becoming capable of loving whatever i do, wherever i am, with whoever i am with (or alone). often i feel like i am acting to my highest calling, whether shlepping boxes or selling bicycles or cleaning toilets or sitting on my cushion. all are the medium of practice. And then a cloud passes over the sun, spoiling my moment. And then i spin around and i bite myself on the ass, yet again – caught wishing for something else, at the very moment when, what else could possibly be so right?

And then someone walks through the shop door, and i ask them if they are looking to buy a bike. And the journey begins again, and another decision must be made.

The truth is though, as those irritating hippies always say: it’s all good. It really is. All good. I will love if i go, and I will love if I stay.

3 Comments on “The road is full of forks

  1. o o YES the ass-biting, the flailing, the crying and lamenting! So true, so endless.

    Doing the tasks that are right before me is what my teacher advised years ago, and until recently I’ve thought the advice to be placid and not radical enough.
    Now I am seeing how much strength is to be found, while working on our bullshit, to step fully into what our lives really are. Here I am! Loving! Look out world!
    Now if only everyone did it, we’d be SET.

    Thanks for sharing bravely Carmen.

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