Karmic Economics, Life of Carmen, Uncategorized, Zen & Dharma

Leap of faith

I have always had, not a dream but a vision in the back my mind — that one day I would arrive as a stranger to a place, and feel immediately comfortable and comforted – like coming home. And then I imagined, that I would simply march up to the door and say “I like it here. I want to stay. Can I?”

And finally after so many years the deja-vu moment arrived. I knew when I saw the Welcome – Ring Bell and Enter sign, that it was time. And I let myself be guided.

So now having seized on the moment of certainty, I am spiralling through exhillaration and terror in seesawing proportion. I am not afraid about money (i won’t be making any), or about the projects i am laying aside or the things I will be away for (i’ll be away for Car Free Day!) or the once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that i might miss. I am not (really) afraid that when I come back no one will recognize me, or that all my friends will have moved to other countries.

I am a little bit afraid of being irresponsible to things I am committed to and which feel urgent — especially Gateway. (this is otherwise known as GUILT). But I feel like I will help in other ways while I’m away, and it is likely that I will be back in Van in the fall, rejuvenated for the joyous battle.

Mostly though — this is my mundane confession and it really pisses me off: of all the fears the big one is of being “bored.” How horrendously banal, to be terrified of boredome, but that’s what gives me the worst moments of heebie-jeebies — what if i get there and there’s NOTHING TO DO??!! Will I go INSANE? Look. There is NOWHERE to rent videos. it is a 45-minute trek uphill to the microhamlet of Mansons Landing. there is a DIALUP MODEM. And most of the time, there will be NO ONE THERE EXCEPT ME.

What if I go insane?

I am absolutely terrified of being with myself. “Bored” is an addiction, a chronic fear of being with self.

So among other reasons, I am going to Cortes Island to detox. To dare myself to boredom. To confront my addictions. To be with myself.

But really, mostly, I am going because how the hell can I not?! What lame excuse do I have?! My god, its paradise, its my frickin dream.

It’s a dare.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *